What if I die tomorrow?
Dear Future Soulmate,
I’m clingy, but I’ll never admit it. I’ll check my phone every 5 minutes to see if you’ve replied to something I’ve drafted numerous times in my head. I’ll get anxious when you don’t answer me back for a long time, and I’ll think to myself maybe you’ve had enough of me. Yet when your message finally comes, it doesn’t matter what you’ve said because the simple act of replying assures me that you’re still mine. At least, for the time being it will.
I’ll get jealous a lot, but please don’t misconstrue it as me tying you down. I won’t get jealous because I want you all to myself, no. I want you to be able spend time with family, friends, and everyone else in between. I’ll get jealous because maybe, just maybe you’ll find something special in someone else, as you did with me. I’ll be weary that maybe you’ll look at someone just as how you look at me, or your heart will begin to wander somewhere else.
I’m insecure, and it’s of no fault of your own. When I say something a little negative about myself, it’s not a cry for attention nor is it me wanting you to disagree with me. It’s me just being me. Before you, I’ll probably never imagine in a million years that you’d be mine. So by virtue of the fact that we’re together makes me even more insecure. But let me make something clear, I won’t be bagging on myself all the time. I know what talents I possess, what I excel in, the aspects in my physique that work in my favor, and so on. I’m just more vocal on the things which fall in the opposite categories.
I’ll possess many faults, and I’m not looking for you to fix them. I think when I finally meet you, I’ll be more accepting of these faults than I am now. All I’m asking is that you accept them with me.
I know this letter seems to be focusing on the negative things about me, and it’s quite a bit to take in… so let me make a change of pace.
I’ll always love you. When we’re finally acquainted, and we finally begin to personify the definition of love for one another, I’ll never need another definition. I’ve told myself countless times that I would never cheat on someone because I know what that feels like. I’ll love you more than I love myself and I know that isn’t too great but that’s just how I am. I’m going to fall in love with the way your smile dances across your face every time you see me, I’ll fall in love with the way you lose yourself in the things you love, I’ll fall in love with the way your voice fluctuates depending on how you’re feeling, I’ll fall in love with the way you say my name, and I’ll most definitely fall in love with so much more. I’ll study everything about you, I’ll remember the slightest details about you and your life. I’ll know what you look like when you’re upset without you having to say a word, I’ll know how you like your coffee in the morning, I’ll know how long it takes you to get ready before we go out, I’ll know most of the trivial things about you and the rest I’ll learn along the way. I pray you’ll be able to do the same as well.If you’re still reading, and you haven’t run away… I’ll probably be sitting across from you looking insanely nervous and insecure. I’d be sitting with my legs folded under me on the chair anxiously waiting for your reaction. On top of that I’ll probably be ready to burst into tears of happiness or tears of sadness.
So to end this letter, which my actual soulmate will read once the time comes… I’d like to say thank you. Thank you for giving me a reason to live again, thank you for proving to me that love really is meant for me, and thank you for being my reason to be alive.
Love, Your Future Soulmate"
Thisss. Oh my goodness, it’s so accurate and perfect.
if you’re going to leave, that’s fine.
and I know you promised you wouldn’t
seven months ago while I was crying
into your neck but I also know that
sometimes it rains even when it’s not
supposed to and sometimes boys
kiss girls they shouldn’t and we tear
flowers out of the ground just to watch
them die and things change,
so I understand if you’re done,
but please, when you’re packing all your
old sweaters and books, don’t forget
to take all your three AM phone calls,
and photographs where we’re smiling
so wide it looks like we’ve never known
that feeling in the pit of your stomach
when someone screams “I don’t love you
Take back every kiss, every night you
fell asleep next to me, every poem I
wrote you, every song you sang to
me, every “I love you more fight,”
every shock I felt in my skin when
you brushed against me.
I was never scared of ghosts until you
left but now I see you everywhere and
god if you’re going to kill me please
just do it quickly because I see you
in everything and it’s making it hard
I won’t say I miss you but I think my mother knows anyway (via extrasad)
I want to hold your hand and I want to hold your hips down while you’re writhing.
I want to make your eyes light up and I want to make them roll in the back of your head.
I want to be your reason to wake up and your reason to stay in bed.
I want to kiss your wounds and I want you to leave them on my back.
I want to play with your hair while you sleep and I want to feel it between my fingers while you are on top of me.
I want to memorize the repetition of your breathing and I want to memorize the sporadics of your moaning.
I want to see the arch in your grin and I want to feel the arch in your back before you collapse.
I want to go out to dinner with you and I want to go down on you.
I want to to feel you in my heart and I want to feel you inside me.
I want to make you laugh and I want to make you scream.
I want to still be able to taste you in the morning.
I want you in every form."
I seriously just need someone who genuinely cares about me.
I am not the first person you loved.
You are not the first person I looked at with a mouthful of forevers.
We have both known loss like the sharp edges of a knife. We have both lived with lips more scar tissue than skin.
Our love came unannounced in the middle of the night.
Our love came when we’d given up on asking love to come.
I think that has to be part of its miracle.
This is how we heal.
I will kiss you like forgiveness. You will hold me like I’m hope. Our arms will bandage and we will press promises between us like flowers in a book. I will write sonnets to the salt of sweat on your skin. I will write novels to the scar of your nose. I will write a dictionary of all the words I have used trying to describe the way it feels to have finally, finally found you.
And I will not be afraid of your scars.
I know sometimes it’s still hard to let me see you in all your cracked perfection, but please know:
Whether it’s the days you burn more brilliant than the sun or the nights you collapse into my lap, your body broken into a thousand questions, you are the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen.
I will love you when you are a still day.
I will love you when you are a hurricane."